ILLUSTORIA MAGAZINE
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The Sirens Are Unionizing
“Damn right, we’re unionizing. Management wants ten shipwrecks a week. It’s ridiculous. Last year it was eight, who knows what it’ll be next year.” -
Is It a Red Flag?:
Romeo and Juliet Edition“You’re thirteen years old: Not a red flag, as long as he is also a teenager. But if he is a much older suitor (let’s say, for example, a forty-nine-year-old with a history of never dating anyone over twenty-five), this should probably give you pause.” -
The Story of the First
No-Nut NovemberWilliam Bradford reminded the men that they were a Christian people, and had never before engaged in such carnal pleasures. “Right?” he asked.
They all did then look around sort of sheepishly and murmured, “Yeah, of course,” but in a way that wasn’t entirely convincing. -
Help, I’m a Thriller Writer Trapped in a Thriller Series, and I’m Not Getting Any Writing Done
“I don’t care who gets killed next; I need to carve out some time and space to write. I should apply to Yaddo or Byrdcliffe—a makeshift witness protection program where I can wear clogs and find my voice again.” -
I Just Found Out That the Serving Size Is Ten Almonds, But I’ll Eat as Many as I Want
“Everything in moderation, they say. Screw that. The only thing I’ll moderate is listening to you about how many almonds I can have.”
Trending
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November 8, 2024Updates on the Arc of the Moral Universe
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November 6, 2024Here’s Why a Second Death Star Won’t Be That Bad
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November 6, 2024I Don’t Hate Women Candidates. I Just Thought an Erratic and Vindictive Criminal Was Worthier of My Vote Than a Woman Candidate
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November 8, 2024Finally, the Elites Have Been Defeated by the Billionaires
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November 13, 2024Sure, I Voted for Someone Whose Policies Might Kill You, but Now’s the Time to Put Aside Our Differences
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November 14, 2024An Open Letter from the Other Side of the World to the 50.2 Percent of Americans Who Probably Won’t Read This and the 48.1 Percent Who Might
Interviews, Essays, and Excerpts
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November 19, 2024Your Belief in Our Fearlessness Is Why It Works
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November 12, 2024How Much Do You Need?
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November 8, 2024Short Conversations with Poets: Kwame Dawes
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October 17, 2024McSweeney’s Books: An Excerpt from The Four Deportations of Jean Marseille
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October 16, 2024Short Conversations with Poets: Catherine Barnett
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September 30, 2024Short Conversations with Poets: Rick Barot
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September 26, 2024Reviews of New Food: Kit Kat Ghost Toast
Over in the Store
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—Pendleton Ward, Emmy-award winning creator of Adventure Time -
To order this title for just five dollars when you subscribe to The Believer, click here. A collection of riotously entertaining columns, written for The Believer magazine during its years in...
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November 18, 2024I’m a Guardrail, and I Don’t Know What the Fuck You People Want from Me
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November 18, 2024I Am a Passionate Mid-Level University Administrator, and I’m Gonna Administrate the Shit Out of This Place
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November 15, 2024I’m Willing to Give Our Alien Overlords a Second Chance
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November 14, 2024I’m Putting Together a Team. The Worst Fucking Team of All Time
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